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Friday, December 23, 2011

Inseminoid



Inseminoid (aka Horror Planet)
1981
Norman Warren

Inseminoid is another entry in the popular b-movie subgenre of 'women giving birth to monsters.' The success of ‘Alien’ (1979) brought out a lot of similar themed films, such as this one, hoping to cash in. The sub-genre of body horror and in particular, pregnancy horror plays on a primal fear, so it’s not surprising that monster baby movies still pop up every few years.  


Inseminoid spends a good half hour wasting time with some miners dinking around on a barren (and strangely purple looking from space) world. Someone explodes; someone else gets a hand full of space crystals, goes nuts and runs around bonking people on the head and being a nuisance. He somehow scares a woman into cutting off her own leg shortly before someone else has the good sense to shoot him in the heart with a dart. The reason it's a big waste of time, is that it doesn't go anywhere, doesn't tell us much other than there are some weird crystals and possibly a monster wandering around, but how long does that take to establish? Besides the movie is called Inseminoid (or the much lamer Horror Planet if you find the U.S. Version) and we are waiting on the promise of that title and the poster, which has: HORRIBLE ALIENS CRAWLING OUT OF SOMEONE'S VAGINA WHILE SOME ASTRONAUTS SHOOT LASERS OUT OF THEIR HELMETS INTO SAID MONSTER BIRTHING VAGINA!
Sadly the movie doesn't really deliver on this either, not entirely anyway. Rather, plucky astronaut Sandy watches the only black guy on the planet get torn limb from limb before she's whisked away, stripped naked and apparently impregnated with what looks like Ecto Cooler and potatoes. There's constant shots of her bug eyed alien OB/GYN rising from between her spreading legs. It's supposed to be scary and sexy but it looks more like he's kind of bored.
When Sandy awakens she's filled with the need to murder the rest of the crew and the next forty-five minutes of film are composed mostly of larger stronger people (who even have chainsaws and guns at certain points) being menaced and killed by a small pregnant woman. Eventually she manages to grunt out not one but two alien babies before continuing on her murder spree. The remaining crew wisely decides to carry the monster babies around for a while before they get killed and the stock “twist ending” involving a rescue party arrives ensues.

Despite a certain amount of predictability, Inseminoid keeps things moving at brisk pace. It might have even been quicker had the movie not stopped every ten minutes to have a series of flashbacks to things we've just seen. The director, Norman Warren, manages to make the mining camp's cave location look spacious but is severely let down but the cheap props. From the crew's fashionable Jordache jeans and space suits hung on cheap green plastic hangers to whatever the hell that thing is that's wrapped in bubble wrap and spray painted red.

The acting ranges from non-existent to overwrought. The highlight being Sandy's screaming and roaring during labor. It stretches on forever, growing funnier and funnier as it goes on. I did find myself enjoying the synth score, but I tend to like those no matter what.

There's some nonsense about the aliens worshiping twins which is never really paid off. The aliens aren't scary. There's nothing particularly gross or horrifying about Sandy's impregnation or her subsequent birth. But the every moment where she's stalking the crew are damn near comedy gold.

Worth checking out if you have high tolerance for cheap and low expectations.

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