Friday, September 30, 2011

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal
Jorge Montesi

"Let’s do the hustle.”- International rock star and Antichrist, Slade Craven

If I straight up told you the plot to Turbulence 3, you probably wouldn’t believe me. Now, I’ve never seen ‘Turbulence’ or ‘Turbulence 2: Fear of Flying’, but despite what I’m certain is series of complex plotting and interwoven characters, I managed to keep up.

As the film opens we are introduced to a Marilyn Manson/Rob Zombie/Kind of looks like a grey alien shock rocker by the name of Slade Craven (John Mann). Mr. Craven is putting on a final concert on board a 747 traveling from California to Canada. Forty lucky(ish) fans get to attend and it’s going to be webcast to millions. He and his band arrive at the airport amidst protesters and fans each consisting of about twelve people on either side. For some reason this is intercut with a video that seems to consist of Mr. Craven stumbling about drunkenly in a high school basement and petting a dog.

Meanwhile, we learn the local FBI office:
a) Consists of three people including Joe Mantega.
b) Puts off busting a notorious hacker until the next morning for no reason.
c) Knocks off work for the day around 2:30 PM.

Agent Kate Hayden (Gabrielle Anwar) doesn’t like this one bit and decides to go against orders and bust the hacker herself. The hacker, Nick Watts (Craig Sheffer) who dresses like a cross between a Crip and Guy Fieri, merely wants to stick it to the man and watch lame internet broadcasts.

Oh, there’s an internet broadcasting company that seems to employ a grand total of four people and works out of a huge empty office building, also I’d mention Rutger Hauer is in this as the co-pilot, but he only leaves the cockpit for three seconds and then shoots himself in the head.

What does this all mean for you, the viewer? Would you believe an identity switcheroo? Using Microsoft flight simulator to help fly a real live airplane? The revelation that the Pope hates Kansas (the state not the band)? A Satanic conspiracy capable of burying tons of TNT around a major airport?

‘Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal’, is one of those rare gems where nearly every single thing about it is wrong, but somehow against the odds, they make it work. The sets are cheap, the acting workman like at best, and the stock footage plentiful, but it keeps the energy up and everything is played with a straight face. When a creepy, scrawny, goth rocker becomes your go to hero in a crisis and you find yourself rooting for him, some kind of minor miracle has occurred. With the FBI reduced to monitoring the whole movie through the internet, the whole thing plays out like a deranged episode of NCIS.

If there’s one major downside it’s there is barely any violence, no nudity and I honestly can’t even recall any curse words. Maybe it actually was a spec script for a CBS crime show retro fitted for a DTV sequel and given an extra dash of absurd.

Either way, ‘Turbulence 3’ is a worthy find for bad movie lovers. I may even brave the first two parts after seeing this one.

1 comment:

  1. Good review! Always wanted to see the two sequels to Turbulence. Only saw the 1st one.