Sunday, December 16, 2012

12 Days of Weirdness: Day 3

Santa with Muscles
John Murlowski

Blake (Hulk Hogan) is a jerk-ass millionaire who’s made a fortune selling workout supplements. He’s mean and greedy and pretty dumb as evidenced by an unnecessary chase with the police which ends up with him hiding in a mall. Continuing his string of bad decisions, he dresses up like a mall Santa, falls down a garbage chute and bangs his head. When he regains consciousness, he thinks he’s the real Santa Claus. This is surprisingly well timed since there happens to be an orphanage sitting over a mother lode of magic crystals and an evil scientist who wants to get his hands on them.

‘Santa with Muscles’ pretty much embodies everything you fear going into a children’s Christmas movie: It’s beyond stupid, It’s filled with overly sentimental pap, and it plays every emotion and physical bit of comedy at such an overblown pitch, (in the wrong headed notion you have to constantly have loud things happening to keep a kid’s attention) that it becomes exhausting.  There are a few minor highlights, an evil geologist who wants to turn people into fossils, you can spot a young Mila Kunis, and it’s still more entertaining than ‘Jingle All the Way’ (1996).

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